Ask Helix

Do you have a question for Helix?
Click here to Ask Helix!

Your question and Helix's answer may appear here.
Question:
"What do you think of Madonna? Do you have a favorite Madonna song? Which era of her career do you like best?" (Patricia)

Answer:
Helix thinks he has a lot in common with the Material Girl. After all, Helix considers himself a Material Monster. Just take a look at his manufacturer's tag. "Made with all new materials". Helix doesn't mean to brag but are YOU made with all new materials? Helix is proud of his polyester fiber innards.

Like Madonna, Helix has been known to generate controversy, publishing racy pictures of himself with his wooly love, Alyce the Sheep. Helix has also been known to lapse into a fake British accent in his word balloons.



There are so many Madonna tunes to choose from. Among her many hits, Helix enjoys, "This Used to Be My Puppet Hole", "Justify My Horns", "Orange For You", "Take a Cat", "Dress You Up (In My Fur)", "Don't Puppet Me Argentina" and "Puppet Master Don't Preach".

Helix does prefer her early work the best and would have to say his favorite Madonna song is "Like a Furgin". You know how that goes. "Like a Furgin / Puppeted for the very first time". It brings a tear to Helix's plastic eye. Well, it would if Helix had tear ducts.
Question:
"I went to your site today, well you know, to droll over your
picture...when I came to the one that shows where your tag came off.   I was gazing at the plastic remains and I thought to myself, how great you would look with a pierced ear.  Had you ever considered getting one?  You could hold a contest to choose the best design idea." (Leah)

Answer:
Helix thinks you're right! He'd look great with a pierced ear! If only Helix HAD ears. But, he doesn't. Helix has horns. And when it comes to piercing them, he has to say NO. There are enough holes in this poor polyester puppet. While Helix is opposed to piercing his horns, he doesn't have any problem DANGLING things from them.

As a matter of fact, Helix recently received a very fashionable piece of monster jewelry that he's now sporting on his left horn.



"Thanks very much for the Easter Card. I picked up a little something for you when I was in China a while ago. Fishes are symbols of prosperity/abundance in Chinese culture, so I hope it brings you luck! Perhaps you could wear it as a horn ornament or use it as cat bait?" (Tiffany)
Question:
"What does Helix think of Harry Potter?" (Darren)

Answer:
As boy wizards go, Helix would have to put Harry Potter at the top of his class.



That being said, Helix must take issue with Harry Potter's creator, J.K. Rowling. As fans probably know, the cover for the sixth Harry Potter book was recently revealed. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince? Hmph! Once again, the title lacks imagination by not suggesting a role for Helix to play in the corresponding film.

Helix has offered his input for each book of the series and every time, his title has been rejected. Helix encourages all of you to contact J.K. Rowling and demand that she re-title her books accordingly:

Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Horns

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Orange Tic-Tacs

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of the CPM

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Cat Soup

Harry Potter and the Order of the Furry Mane

Harry Potter and the Polyester Fiber Filled Prince
Question:
"How many times have you tried to kill your CPM? If you succeed, you're welcome to come live with me in Prescott Valley." (Kelly)

Answer:
Helix appreciates the safe haven you are offering him and he can only hope to take you up on it very soon. However, Helix's track record is not encouraging. Helix refers you to his official scoreboard.



Question:
"Why doesn't Helix go to Baby GAP and find some shirts? There are bound to be some shirts that will fit Helix." (Cherry)

Answer:
Have you ever BEEN to a Baby GAP? Those places are full of human BABIES!

Now, it's not that Helix has anything against these tiny humans but they do tend to drool an awful lot and reach for things with their sticky fingers. Helix isn't sure he'd survive a shopping trip to Baby GAP.

Plus, and this is painful for Helix to admit, he is actually much smaller than a human baby. Even baby clothes tend to be too large for him. Baby clothes are too big, doll clothes are too small, what is a monster to do? Helix needs his own fashion line. Any designers out there willing to cater to the monster hand puppet market?

Question:
"Humans can live to be as old as 100, even older in some rare instances. So, what about monsters? Can you develop a disease, like a human or other animal? Can you be expected to outlive your master? And, if you do, what will become of you? I understand this may be a disturbing question, but I am curious." (Mae)

Answer:
This *IS* a very disturbing question. Humans can live to be as old as 100? Helix thinks he's going to faint! No... that wouldn't be very monsterish of him. No fainting allowed.

Helix has given this a great deal of thought and despite expert legal advice (*gnaws on lawyer*), he has no qualms in answering in the affirmative. YES, Helix expects to outlive his master. Why is Helix so confident? Three words. Poisoned Fruit Loops.

What will become of Helix? For starters, an even wider GRIN. It comes as no secret that Helix is unhappy with his current situation. Having to report to a Creepy Puppet Master is degrading enough. Having to endure those creepy fingers in his puppet hole is nothing but blatant puppet abuse. Helix has plotted his escape many times and has been foiled many times. Helix has tried to hire humans to do his dirty work for him and rub out the CPM but each and every time, they back down at the last minute. It's time Helix takes matters into his own paws. If he ever wants to experience freedom, he's going to have to take care of the CPM himself.

Hmm... has Helix said too much?

If Helix is not puppeted to death, he can expect a long life of up to 1,000 of your human years. As far as diseases go, Helix does have to watch out for the deadly Crumpled Horn Syndrome but so far, Helix is in good health and in good spirits. He wishes you the same!

Question:
Is there a HELIX hairstylist near me that you can help me with?  I live in San Luis Obispo, California and my zip code is 93420 and my phone area code is 805.  I don’t want to drive 3 hours for a hair cut if I don’t have to. Thank you for your help. (Nanci)

Answer:
Helix has good news and bad news for you. Helix can certainly recommend a reputable hair stylist to trim your mane. The bad news is, instead of a 3 hour drive you will need to take a 4 hour flight to St. Paul, Minnesota.

As it so happens, Helix's identical twin sister, Shelix D. Monster is an accomplished human hair stylist. Helix is sure you will find your haircut to be well worth the extra travel time!

Home