Cast Away



Helix's Review

In Helix's opinion, this is the most obscene movie Hollywood has ever produced. The very act that "Cast Away" was approved by the MPAA with a PG-13 rating is deplorable and is obviously the result of director Robert Zemeckis bribing board members.

This film contains excessive amounts of water and a gratuitous use of fire. These elements served absolutely no purpose in advancing the story and were only included for their shock value. And shocking they were! Helix nearly had a nervous breakdown halfway through his viewing of this "film".

In addition, the script clearly was slanted in favor of the Pro-Package constituency. Helix still has nightmares about the time when he was shipped via Fedex (or was it UPS? Does it really matter?). The propoganda advanced throughout the movie was a slap in the horns to monster hand puppets everywhere.

The only noteworthy scene was when lead actors, Tom Hanks and Helen Hunt, engaged in a touching embrace in a copy room. Both were wearing incredibly sexy, fuzzy sweaters. Helix wanted to see more of this! Not the humans making out, but the fuzzy sweaters!

Bottom line: If you are a sick, perverted human, you will no doubt delight in this movie. However, intelligent, discriminating, cultured monsters will most certainly echo Helix's sentiments. "Cast Away" earns two horns down!

Helix's Rating


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Things Helix Learned from this Movie:
Frank Toretta is a systems analyst.

Wars have been fought and nations toppled in 87 hours.

If Tom Hanks had horns, he would have no problem opening coconuts.

Favorite Edible Item:
Beings from Mars

Other edibles referenced:
Fedex truck, fresh boysenberries, a 1992 full-bodied grape juice, crab, coconuts, rope, coconut milk, new wallpaper for the bathroom, turkey, candied yams, marshmellows, pie, an olive pit, a Snickers bar, an egg timer, adoption papers, Lenin's tomb, Gilligan, technical drawings, Santa and his 8 tiny reindeer.

Favorite Lines
It's kind of a pink day today.

Crunch time! Crunch time!

Every time I wash my hands, I will think of you.

Favorite Description for Helix's Master
Pulsating, accursed, relentless taskmaster.

Helix Recreates His Favorite Scene


Helix & Wilson

Much like the movie, Helix's "Wilson" also met a tragic ending. However, instead of being lost at sea, Helix ate his Wilson.

In a related note, Helix's regularly scheduled tennis game is now postponed indefinately.