Headlines
Helix
is pleased to introduce a new section of his website devoted to
puppets in the press / monsters in the media.
Check
your local newspaper or your favorite magazine! References to
monsters and/or puppets are EVERYWHERE!
Helix
will use this spot to highlight some of the stories he's found
and he welcomes your submissions. If you've found a story about
monsters/puppets, e-mail
Helix the details.
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Helix
was very disappointed by some of the lyrics contained on U2's new
album, "How to Dismantle An Atomic Bomb".

Helix has always enjoyed the music of U2 but sadly, they have
chosen to engage in a disturbing case of monster-bashing.

Break
the monster's back? NO! This is unacceptable. It is also
inaccurate. As everyone knows, Helix is made of polyester fiber
and has no bones in his back to break.
If
it only ended there, Helix might cut U2 some slack. But, it
doesn't. Just a few tracks later, Helix was shocked by a
startling accusation.
![]()

While
Helix is proud to boast a mouth full of teeth, he vehemently
denies that he eats all of his friends. Helix only eats his TASTY
friends.
Why
is U2 spreading this anti-puppet propoganda? Helix has no idea
but you can bet the next chance he gets, he'll be taking a giant
bite out of Bono.
To
start things off, this item appeared in the July 27th, 2004
edition of Helix's hometown newspaper, the St. Paul Pioneer
Press.

"In
January, someone swiped a collection of about 70 handpuppets from
a glass display case in the auditorium of the Hayden Heights
branch library on St. Paul's East Side.
Since the theft became public, a flood of donated puppets has
replenished the family of story-time assistants - and then
some."

1st Annual Helix
Awards Winners
Helix Celebrates
St. Helix's Day!
Monster
Naming Suggestions
Bush to America:
"Helix's Horns are Weapons Of Mass Destruction!"
Happy
"Birth"day Helix!
Helix
turns one year old and celebrates it with his newly found family
members. Plus, see pictures of his favorite "birth"day
gift.
Helix and Pooh
Peace Talks
Helix
and Winnie the Pooh meet for the first time to discuss terms for
a permanent peace settlement.
Helix to Release
Debut Album
Volunteer to be
eaten by Helix
Check
out a list of recent volunteers and volunteer your body parts to
Helix's mouth.
Take Your Puppet
to Work!
Pictures
of Helix at his master's office!
Helix Challenges
Triumph to Celebrity Boxing Match!
Signs of Summer
Helix Makes TV
Debut!
Helix Announces
2002 Holiday Schedule
If Helix won the
lottery, what should he do?
Helix Makes Offer
to Buy Fingerhut
Helix Scares Beer
Can Bob!
Helix Mourns the
Loss of Phish the Fish
Enron Scandal
Threatens Helix's Political Future!
Choosy Monsters
Choose Skippy!
Helix Hires Vocal
Coach
Six Degrees of
Winona Ryder
Helix Announces
Plans to Save the Twins!
Anatomy of a
Monster
Helix Joins FOX
NFL Sunday Pre-Game Show!
Helix Offers 3
Tic-Tac Reward for Information Leading to the Capture of
"Jack the Bobcat"
Helix Strikes
Gold; Filthy Monster is Now Filthy Rich
Bin Laden Pleads
for Halt to Air Strikes; Dips Beard in Gravy
President Bush to
America: New York is Bad Luck, MOVE!
Helix Beats
President Bush in Game of Scrabble
Other
Stories
Pretzel's Failed Assassination Attempt Prompts President Bush to
Declare all Snack Foods "Evil-Doers"
Biggie Size Coffin Ordered for Wendy's Dave Thomas
Drew Barrymore's dog "Flossie" Reportedly Terrified Tom
Will Request Visitation
Santa
Suspends Three Reindeer After they Fail Sobriety Tests; This
year, Sleigh will be Pulled by 5 Reindeer and a Very Ambitious
Unicorn
Best
Buy Announces Best Way to "Turn on the Fun" is to Buy
it a Conflict Diamond
Mariah
Carey Sings for the Troops; Thousands of Servicemen Defect to the
Taliban
Britney Spears Caught Lip Synching Acceptance Speech at Billboard
Music Awards
Elmo Comes Clean; Admits When Rosie O'Donnell Tickles Him, He's
just Faking It!
Helix Insures Horns for $1,000,000.00
Gallup
Poll finds Americans More Likely to Touch A Doorknob than A
Doorman
Great
American Novel Finally Finished; Aspiring Authors Urged to Resume
Teaching High School English
War
in Afghanistan Going Well Despite Reports that Geraldo is Still
Alive
Helix
Challenges Minnesota Vikings Coach Denny Green to Pie-Eating
Contest
Toys for
Tater Tots begs Public to Donate Ketchup to Underprivileged Spuds
People
Magazine Names Helix "Sexiest Monster Alive"; Shrek
Demands Recount
"Game
of Life" Releases 9/11 Commemorative Edition; Now Features
Terrorist Insurance & Genetically Cloned Pink & Blue
Plastic Children
Vikings Wide Receiver Randy Moss Taunts Snow Plow; NFL Fines His
Widow
Taliban
Leader Mullah Mohammed Omar Legally Changes Name to "Tom
Hanks"; Tom Hanks Now Wanted Dead or Alive
Dorothy Retracts Endorsement of Home; Now Claims "There's no
place like Vegas!"
It's
Official! Grab-Ass Not a Recognized Reindeer Game
Outbreak
of Mad Cow Disease Infects "Harry Potter"; Movie-Goers
May Now Expect to Endure TWO Painful Deaths
New Study Shows Men that Perform Badly at Jenga Perform Badly at
Other Things
TJ Maxx is Less Pushy with New Slogan "If You Don't Already
Have Plans and There's Nothing Good on T.V., You Might Consider
Going"
Exiled
Afghan King to Make Guest Appearance on TV's "Friends"
FBI Stumped as Egg Nog Mysteriously Appears on Store Shelves
Helix Defies Anthrax Attacks: Licks All Fan Mail
Bush Pardons Thanksgiving Turkey: Executes Daughters for Underage
Drinking
Giant Helix Balloon Barred From Macy's Parade: Lawsuits Likely
American
Psychiatric Association: "Crazy straws really do make people
crazy!"
Minnesota Hospitals Offer Bin Laden Free Knee Surgery
George Clooney Hosts Charity Benefit for Victims of Bill
O'Reilly.
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