Headlines

Helix is pleased to introduce a new section of his website devoted to puppets in the press / monsters in the media.

Check your local newspaper or your favorite magazine! References to monsters and/or puppets are EVERYWHERE!

Helix will use this spot to highlight some of the stories he's found and he welcomes your submissions. If you've found a story about monsters/puppets, e-mail Helix the details.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helix was very disappointed by some of the lyrics contained on U2's new album, "How to Dismantle An Atomic Bomb".


Helix has always enjoyed the music of U2 but sadly, they have chosen to engage in a disturbing case of monster-bashing.



Break the monster's back? NO! This is unacceptable. It is also inaccurate. As everyone knows, Helix is made of polyester fiber and has no bones in his back to break.

If it only ended there, Helix might cut U2 some slack. But, it doesn't. Just a few tracks later, Helix was shocked by a startling accusation.




While Helix is proud to boast a mouth full of teeth, he vehemently denies that he eats all of his friends. Helix only eats his TASTY friends.

Why is U2 spreading this anti-puppet propoganda? Helix has no idea but you can bet the next chance he gets, he'll be taking a giant bite out of Bono.


To start things off, this item appeared in the July 27th, 2004 edition of Helix's hometown newspaper, the St. Paul Pioneer Press.



"In January, someone swiped a collection of about 70 handpuppets from a glass display case in the auditorium of the Hayden Heights branch library on St. Paul's East Side.

Since the theft became public, a flood of donated puppets has replenished the family of story-time assistants - and then some."



1st Annual Helix Awards Winners

Helix Celebrates St. Helix's Day!

Monster Naming Suggestions

Bush to America: "Helix's Horns are Weapons Of Mass Destruction!"

Happy "Birth"day Helix!
Helix turns one year old and celebrates it with his newly found family members. Plus, see pictures of his favorite "birth"day gift.

Helix and Pooh Peace Talks
Helix and Winnie the Pooh meet for the first time to discuss terms for a permanent peace settlement.

Helix to Release Debut Album

Volunteer to be eaten by Helix
Check out a list of recent volunteers and volunteer your body parts to Helix's mouth.

Take Your Puppet to Work!
Pictures of Helix at his master's office!

Helix Challenges Triumph to Celebrity Boxing Match!

Signs of Summer

Helix Makes TV Debut!

Helix Announces 2002 Holiday Schedule

If Helix won the lottery, what should he do?

Helix Makes Offer to Buy Fingerhut

Helix Scares Beer Can Bob!

Helix Mourns the Loss of Phish the Fish

Enron Scandal Threatens Helix's Political Future!

Choosy Monsters Choose Skippy!

Helix Hires Vocal Coach

Six Degrees of Winona Ryder

Helix Announces Plans to Save the Twins!

Anatomy of a Monster

Helix Joins FOX NFL Sunday Pre-Game Show!

Helix Offers 3 Tic-Tac Reward for Information Leading to the Capture of "Jack the Bobcat"

Helix Strikes Gold; Filthy Monster is Now Filthy Rich

Bin Laden Pleads for Halt to Air Strikes; Dips Beard in Gravy

President Bush to America: New York is Bad Luck, MOVE!

Helix Beats President Bush in Game of Scrabble


Other Stories

Pretzel's Failed Assassination Attempt Prompts President Bush to Declare all Snack Foods "Evil-Doers"

Biggie Size Coffin Ordered for Wendy's Dave Thomas

Drew Barrymore's dog "Flossie" Reportedly Terrified Tom Will Request Visitation

Santa Suspends Three Reindeer After they Fail Sobriety Tests; This year, Sleigh will be Pulled by 5 Reindeer and a Very Ambitious Unicorn

Best Buy Announces Best Way to "Turn on the Fun" is to Buy it a Conflict Diamond

Mariah Carey Sings for the Troops; Thousands of Servicemen Defect to the Taliban

Britney Spears Caught Lip Synching Acceptance Speech at Billboard Music Awards

Elmo Comes Clean; Admits When Rosie O'Donnell Tickles Him, He's just Faking It!


Helix Insures Horns for $1,000,000.00


Gallup Poll finds Americans More Likely to Touch A Doorknob than A Doorman

Great American Novel Finally Finished; Aspiring Authors Urged to Resume Teaching High School English

War in Afghanistan Going Well Despite Reports that Geraldo is Still Alive

Helix Challenges Minnesota Vikings Coach Denny Green to Pie-Eating Contest

Toys for Tater Tots begs Public to Donate Ketchup to Underprivileged Spuds

People Magazine Names Helix "Sexiest Monster Alive"; Shrek Demands Recount

"Game of Life" Releases 9/11 Commemorative Edition; Now Features Terrorist Insurance & Genetically Cloned Pink & Blue Plastic Children

Vikings Wide Receiver Randy Moss Taunts Snow Plow; NFL Fines His Widow

Taliban Leader Mullah Mohammed Omar Legally Changes Name to "Tom Hanks"; Tom Hanks Now Wanted Dead or Alive

Dorothy Retracts Endorsement of Home; Now Claims "There's no place like Vegas!"


It's Official! Grab-Ass Not a Recognized Reindeer Game

Outbreak of Mad Cow Disease Infects "Harry Potter"; Movie-Goers May Now Expect to Endure TWO Painful Deaths

New Study Shows Men that Perform Badly at Jenga Perform Badly at Other Things

TJ Maxx is Less Pushy with New Slogan "If You Don't Already Have Plans and There's Nothing Good on T.V., You Might Consider Going"


Exiled Afghan King to Make Guest Appearance on TV's "Friends"

FBI Stumped as Egg Nog Mysteriously Appears on Store Shelves

Helix Defies Anthrax Attacks: Licks All Fan Mail

Bush Pardons Thanksgiving Turkey: Executes Daughters for Underage Drinking

Giant Helix Balloon Barred From Macy's Parade: Lawsuits Likely


American Psychiatric Association: "Crazy straws really do make people crazy!"

Minnesota Hospitals Offer Bin Laden Free Knee Surgery

George Clooney Hosts Charity Benefit for Victims of Bill O'Reilly.

Home