"We noticed you was asking
for help on building a better cat trap. Me and my brother
have had cats since we came home from the hospital as
babies and we are self proclaimed cat catching masters.
When our cats try to run from us or avoid us, we sit out
a tasty dish of tuna or yummy cat treats. One of us hides
behind the corner as a lookout and the other stands on
the bed with one of our mommy's laundry baskets high over
our head.
When the lookout sees the cat coming, we signal the
basket holder and when the kitty stops to snag a taste of
the yummy bait, POW! We both jump down and throw the
basket over the kitty. He is then secure and forced to
play with us for endless hours.
You might consider trying this method. We will be happy
to offer our cat catching services if you need
help." (Brady and Rondell Ivey)
Click
here to offer your suggestions to Helix for trapping
tasty cats
"Huzzah! Three cats all spared from the soup! If my
furry felines were able to, I'm sure they would laugh
derisivly at you (from their safe vantage point of the
other side of the Atlantic!) Fortunatly they cannot, and
I would never stoop so low as to proclaim 'Haha! In your
face, orange boy!'" (Jules)
|
Remembering Garfield
Helix recently received some very
sad news:
"Dear Helix,
I'm sending you some very bad news.
My sweet baby cat "Garfield" was one of the
cats you ate in 2003. Garfield loved your site. He always
laid on top of my computer monitor and we visited your
site every week.
Garfield passed away yesterday. And we laid him to
rest under his favorite cherry tree in the front yard
with his picture of Helix." (Becky)
Helix extends his condolences to
Becky on behalf of all Cat Soup participants and asks
that you click the link below to light a candle in
Garfield's memory.
Light a Candle for Garfield |
Kentucky Fried Cat
Helix recently announced plans to open his own fast-food
franchise. Coming soon to your neighborhood, stop by
Helix's KFC - Kentucky Fried Cat.
How many herbs and spices will go into Helix's secret
recipe? What will they be? Will Helix only offer tasty
fried cats or will you be able to get side dishes at his
restaurants?
Helix is clearly in need of human help to develop his
tasty menu.
Contribute
your tasty recipes & menu suggestions
"I think one of the things
you could add to the mix would be some 1970's burnt
orange shag carpet pieces or corduroy from an old
sofa!" (Megan) |
| "I am writing you to tell you
how sad I am that you are considering eating a cat named
Tigger (Cat Soup). I have ignored your fancy for felines,
but you have taken this a step too far. As you know I am
about to marry a feline named Tigger. When will this
addiction end? Can I trust you to not try and eat Tigger
if I invite you to the wedding? Just to let you know how
distraught I am, I had to have my favorite human JJ type
this email for me." (Helga A.
Monster) |
"Happy,
happy, happy belated Easter, Helix! Sorry it's a little
late, but I'm sure you understand. Better late than
never, right? I just had to find the perfect little
kitties for you to enjoy!" (Amanda)
|
| "Horny Ben thanks you for
this Cat Soup contest- he hopes to hook up with Professor
in the near future." (Stephanie) |
| "Professor is very proud to
be the winner, however, he strongly hopes that Helix
won’t do a lot of harm to the other contestants. He
is extremely thankful to all those humans who voted for
him from all over the world." (Rafal) |
A Plea to
be Uneaten
"Sunny was very sad to see
that you would not pardon her. Especially when she did so
much for your campaign last year! Can't you give her
another chance? (She'll bribe you with fuzzy sweaters and
tic-tacs!) Attatched is proof of her hard work on your
campaign, laying down in utter defeat and just plain
tired from combing the streets to spread the good word of
Helix." (Jessica)
|
| "I am surprised that you have
never had an opportunity to taste a donut! I don't know
if they make them in cat flavour, (I spell flavour with a
'u', because I'm a Canadian!) but I bet you could take a
plain donut, add some cat-flavoured seasoning, and have
yourself a delicious treat! I have two cats myself, and
while I have never tasted them personally, they always
seem to be licking themselves and each other, so I think
they must taste very good! One is orange and white, and
one is black and white. I don't know if this indicates
different flavours or not." (Jessie
Cox) |
| "Eat cats and prosper." (Colleen) |
| "Try not do overdo the cats
too much, will you? I don't think they do Slim Fast in
cat flavour." (Ellen) |
| "I hope you succeed in your
quest for cats. I'm allergic to them so I hope you rid
the world of them and get nice and fat in the procees.
I'll send you some English cats. They're everywhere.
AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!" (Dr.
Titchknox) |
| "Maybe you can graduate from
hiding under beds, start scaring out of closets and
such. You can live in my closet, very
spacious. You can share it with Dixie (Jessie's
cat), as long as you play nice, and don't eat her." (Jessie) |
| "You shouldn't eat cats. Cats
are nice pets. Go eat Osama Bin Laden." (Anonymous) |
| "Translation of 'May I eat
your cat?' in Helix-speak. 'It doesn't matter how polite
I am in the end. If I go out of my way to ask you, and
you say no.. .it doesn't mean I won't take the little
bastard when you aren't looking!'" (Colleen) |
| "Alas, my big brave dogs have
eaten all of the cats we have run across lately. But we
can hold some in reserve for Helix in the near future --
no need to be greedy." (Julia) |
| "Hurrah! Cookie and I are
very happy to hear she's been pardoned from the soup. We
hope Helix enjoys the rest of the tasty felines, and if
he ever wants to let Cookie use his horns as a scratching
post, he may do so." (Julie) |
| "I was thinking that you
should check that book out from your local library (with
a promise not to eat or lick the pages) called 'Millions
of Cats'." (Aimee) |
| "Cats aren't tasty. You
wouldn't like the fur balls." (Kari) |
| "I like cats very much but
usually I don't eat cats. They're too furry! So, I just
pet them." (Sara) |
| "Thank you so much for the
special non-soup cat toys! Cookie (and Baxter) will enjoy
them thoroughly. You are totally tubular!" (Julie) |
| "I will find a smaller,
fluffier, more tender morsel for the soup next
time!" (Jules - after learning
that her tasty cat had been pardoned from Cat Soup) |
| "I think you make him
jealous, but what human male in his right mind could not
be jealous of your orange fur, pointy fangs, and macho
horns? If he makes another Helix comment to me, I think
I'll send his cat Gonzo in for you to munch on. Gonzo is
very hairy and likes to drool alot, but I suppose that
does not matter after he's done cooking does it?" (Elizabeth) |
| "I'm sure you'd love the odor
of the three stray kittens in my back yard! For a
price, they could be yours! Otherwise, I might have
to sell them on Hand Puppet E-Bay or something.
Urgh. I wonder how much they'd go for?
Probably not what they're worth, I'll tell you that
much! Your fellow hand puppets can be pretty
stingy, you know!" (Doug) |
| "Do you think you could
handle Alaska? There are moose and bears, and
they're pretty vicious. Even the cats are more
dangerous. I heard one say recently that it eats
orange horned monsters for breakfast." (Paul) |
| "I haven't had a tasty cat in
a while, but my parents have one I would love to
devour. His name is Godzilla and he's terribly
mean. He looks like he would be a tasty one because
he's partly orange and the orange ones have always been
my favorite--I find them delightfully tangy." (Letty) |
| "There is
a phone commercial out now with ALF in it.
Do you remember him? He eats cats too. When I
see the commercial I think of you." (Madelaine) |
| "You have a very interesting
website. I see you like to eat cats--so do I."
(Letty) |
| "No, I don't share the same
common interests with you. I like cats but not to
eat, I don't wear fuzzy sweaters, I do wear sweatshirts.
Oh, we do share one thing, sorta, I do like the night
time."
(Salena) |
| "Well gee, I like cats, but
not to eat, and fuzzy sweaters are my favorite, but I've
never tried to mate with one, I think that would be
difficult for a human." (Anonymous) |
| "Helix, do you reply to pen
pal ads so you can meet people and eat their cats?
I will find a picture of Godzilla for your website, but
on one condition...even if no one votes for him you must
eat him anyway. I know you object to eating orange
cats, but this one is white and orange so it's really not
so wrong." (Anonymous) |
| "Thank you for the gift that
my cat Shadow won in the Cat Soup contest. I took
pictures and as soon as I get them I will send you one
with him enjoying the gift that he won for not being
eaten." (Brenda) |
| "I can't say that I don't
enjoy Cat Soup because I've never had it. Although, I
like Americanized-Chinese food and have probably had more
than my fair share of cat meat." (Bree) |
| "Okay,
okay....shhhhhhh...here's the word on the street:
Big Jimmy (y'know, the guy who ships all the cats from
Japan) says that the three kittens are still alive and
kickin', but we have to find their hiding place. He
says he'll do us this favor, but in the future, we will
have to do a favor for him some time. It's apparently an
offer we can't refuse." (Doug) |
| "Sorry Helix, because you
enjoy eating cats, I can't in good conscience respond to
your email. Have a nice monstery day." (JB) |
| "(Helix's orange fur) must be
terribly warm in the summer, though. And hard hunting
cats when you don't blend in with the surroundings. Have
you ever tried hunting on a citrus farm? I'm sure that
you'd have terriffic luck." (Anonymous) |