Can
a Monster Hand Puppet Get a Job?
Results
of the 2001 Experiment
Read
below for a sample of what Human Resources directors all across
the country think about Helix!
| Re:
Audio/Video Installer (Home Theater) You are hired. When can you come in for an interview? |
| Re:
Sales Executive Dear Mr. Monster-- I am an independent recruiter/HR consultant, and I received your resume in response to a position for which I'm recruiting (Sales Executive). While your skills and experience are impressive, we're looking for candidates with proven sales experience. However, in reviewing your resume and your website, I may be able to help. Have you considered a career as a Human Resources Consultant? Your teeth would allow you to scare and/or bite employees who make unreasonable demands, as well as managers who act like weenies. Your racial background and interesting appearance shout "I value diversity!", something that's prized in the HR field. Additionally, your commitment to keeping the Twins in Minnesota indicate a willingness to "think outside the box". These all mean that you could charge $100/hour or more as a consultant (in fact, you might make enough to actually buy the Twins yourself). Being a monster to begin with, you wouldn't mind being shunned as a member of two hated groups (HR people and consultants). Please give some thought to this suggestion; I really think this new career path could change your life. Whatever you decide, I wish you success in your job search. |
| Re:
Freight Manager Thank you for your interest in employment opportunities with Schneider. We have received your information and will begin reviewing your qualifications. |
| Re:
Editorial & Research Assistant Thank you for your response to our position opening. Because of the great interest in this position, we anticipate our resume review process will take a few weeks. If your qualifications match our current hiring needs, we will contact you to arrange an interview. Until then, thank you for your resume, time, and interest in career opportunities with the Society of Actuaries. Manager of Human Resources |
| Re:
Security Sales Manager Thank you for your interest in career opportunities with the Controls Group of Johnson Controls. We are currently evaluating your qualifications in relation to our open positions. We will be contacting only those candidates who most closely match our position requirements. Due to the high volume of resumes received, we do not accept unsolicited resumes. To be considered, each resume must include a job code in the email subject line which corresponds to a job opening we have advertised. Once again, thank you for your interest in Johnson Controls. Please continue to check our website at www.johnsoncontrols.com for current position openings. |
| Re:
Chief of Staff, US Olympic Committee Dear Mr. Helix D.Monster Thank you for the opportunity to review your resume, your qualifications are quite amazing, especially the ability to type 90 wpm with your horns. If looks are what determines a position then you have the job... you are so darn cute.... Thank you Human Resources |
| Re:
Area Manager Thank you for your interest in Jack in the Box. We have received your resume and wanted to let you know that if your qualifications meet the needs of our current openings, we will contact you to schedule an interview. If you do not hear back from us within the next month, please be assured we will keep your resume on file for one year for future opportunities. Human Resources Dept. |
| Re:
Pricing Strategist Helix, Thank you for applying to my
posting. Unfortunately we need all of our
employees. We cannot afford to have you go on an
eating binge while on site! Should we be in a
position where we need to eliminate any of our workers,
we will contact you. |
| Re:
Sr. Packaging Engineer Dear Helix, Thank you for your interest. However, your background does not match our needs. Best wishes, Dianna |
| Re:
Landscape Architect Hi Helix, Thank you for your submission. However after viewing your resume I find that you do not have prior experience. Therefore; I am afraid I will not be able to consider you for employment as a landscape architect. However; I would like to recomment a career in modeling. Thank you & have a nice day. Lisa |
| Re:
Roadway Designer That's pretty funny! Don't you have anything better to do with your time? |
| Re:
Art Gallery Director Dear
Helix, |
| Re:
Chemical Sales (San Diego Chemical Sales) I understand why you're looking for a job. |
| RE:
Disney Cruise Staff Dear Applicant: Thank you for responding to our job posting with DISNEY CRUISE LINE.Your information has been received by the Human Resources Department. At present, we are in the process of carefully reviewing the qualifications of all candidates. Should we have an interest in your background as it relates to the position, you will hear from us in the near future. If you are not selected to interview, please be assured that we will retain your resume for future consideration. Again, thank you for taking the time to contact us and for sharing your enthusiasm for DISNEY CRUISE LINE. Best Regards, The Human Resources Department |
| RE:
Flight Simulator Technician Thank you for you interest, this position has been filled. We will keep your resume on file in case other openings do arise. Thanks! |
| Re:
Navy Combat Systems Analyst Great resume! When can you start work? <grin> (Note: Helix inquired as to whether he would have to purchase a sailor hat or if it would be government issued. It WILL be government issued. So far, Helix is strongly considering this job offer!) |
| Re: Pop Culture - Product
Development You could be the candidate I've been looking for. One interview with annoying Hiring Authorities and they might be no more! |
| Re: Organic Chemist I have to
admit, your resume is very original. Unfortunately,
you don't |
Here are some of the positions, Helix has applied for:
(Note:
Positions in orange indicate Helix
*HAS* received an e-mail response to his resume)
| Academic Counselor Actress (Telephone) Administrative Assistant (Talent Tree) Admissions Representative Advertising Specialist Aerospace Engineer Agent Alarm Installer Apparel Sales Appliance Technician Architect Area Manager (Jack in the Box) Area People Director Art Gallery Director Asian Furniture Refinisher Assistant Teacher Attorney Audio/Video Installer (Home Theater) Auto Damage Appraiser Auto Sales Bakery Manager Banana Republic Store Manager Bilingual Receptionist Boating Sales Bookstore Manager Building Inspector Bus Driver Cable Technician Career Services Advisor Carpenter/Window Installer Catering Manager CEO Certified Hand Therapist Chaplin Chemical Sales Chief Financial Officer Chief of Staff - U.S. Olympic Committee Chief Operating Officer Chief, Streets & Drainage Div, Public Works Dept. Chief Talent Officer Classified Sales Rep Clerk/Typist Companion Conference Planner Control Room Officer Copy Center Operator Copywriter Corporate Concierge Corporate Lawyer Corporate R&R Chef Counselor - Thomas Jefferson University CPA Credit Manager Current Events Teacher Custodian Custom Pool, Spa, and Sauna Sales Daycare Director Director, Continuous Improvement Director of Facility Planning Director of Human Resources Director of Marketing Director of Military Communications Director of Education Director of National Sales, East Coast Director of Nursing Director of Surgery Disney Cruise Staff Dispatcher Editorial and Research Asst. Electrician 1st Class e-Marketing Analyst Enrollment Technician Environmental Compliance Manager |
Event Sales Director Executive Sous Chef Export Agent Fermentation Scientist Field Brand Coordinator (Eddie Bauer) Fileroom/Mailroom Clerk Fitness Director Flight Simulator Technician Food Buyer Food Court General Manager Food Safety / Quality Assurance Food Service Equipment Sales Freight Manager Freelance Writer Fulltime Asst Mgr - Cinnabon Garden Center Manager Graphic Artist (Jigsaw Puzzle Design) Grocery Broker Manager Grocery Driver Grooming Salon Manager High School Teacher Hispanic Foods Merchandiser Homeowners Claim Rep Housekeeper Hydrogeologist Kitchen Manager Landscape Architect Laundry Mechanic Law Clerk Law Firm Librarian Lettershop Production Manager Librarian Line Cook (Hilton Hotels) Liquor Store Clerk Live-in Guesthouse Staff Loss Prevention Detective Lubricant Sales Rep Machinst Manager-in-Training Manufacturing Engineer Market Manager Market Research Analyst Mask Design Materials Manager Mathematical Scientist Math Instructor Meat Cutter Mechanic Medical Doctor Military Imagery Systems Specialist Military Jr. Officer Millwright MS Office Guru Navy Combat Systems Analyst New Business Developer Night Patroller Office Furniture Sales Rep Organic Chemist Overnight Driver Parachute Rigger Part-Time SAT Teacher Pastry Production Team Leader Paving Foreman Pest Controller Pet Boarding Facility Manager Pharmacist Physical Damage Claims Rep. Pipe Welder Plant Manager Plant Safety Officer Pop Culture - Product Development President of North American Operations Pricing Strategist Private Banker Product Manager Product Marketing Manager Production Worker Psychiatric Technician Public Relations Professional |
Receptionist Registered Dietician Regulatory Affairs Associate Restaurant Manager (Chili's) Restaurant Manager (Olive Garden) Restuarant Manager (Papa Murphy's) Restaurant Manager (Wendy's) Restaurant Staff Retail Management Retail Sales Retail Specialist - Photography Retail Store Manager (Omaha Steaks) Roadway Designer Roaster Operator Route Delivery Person (Tony's Pizza) Safety Coordinator Sales Executive Sales Executive - Italy Sales Manager (The Onion) Salesperson Sanitation Supervisor Scheduler/Dispatcher School Bus Sales Screw Machine Operator Script Writer Security Sales Manager Senior Artist Senior e-Business Strategist Senior Packaging Engineer Senior Technology Consultant Shop Floor Efficiency Expert Shop Manager Social Worker Sous Chef (Space Needle) Spa Manager Space Operations Engineer Spokesmodel Store Director (Toys 'R Us) Store Manager Trainee Structural Engineer Substitute Teacher Supply Chain Manager Surveying Technician Tape Librarian Tax Manager Technical Writer Termite Inspector ThermoDynamic Engineer Treasurer Treasury Manager Upscale Deli Owner/Operator Vacation Counselor Vault Supervisor Video Game Tester Videographer Virginia State Operations Manager VP of Corporate Development VP of Lending Waiter Warehouse Worker Web Page Designer Weight Loss Consultant Winery Engineer |